Let me start by saying I am not a person of faith or religious in any way. And not for lack of trying. When I was a child, I tried church. My family was Baptist. At 11 years old, I knew I was attracted to other girls, but the church I went to told me I was a sinner. When I was 19, I attended another church that seemed more accepting, so I was baptized. That didn’t last long when I realized how hypocritical the minister and the congregation really were.
In my mid-20s, my grandmother introduced me to the Gnostic faith. That seemed more up my alley. I read books about what the Gnostics believe, and it hit home with me. I leaned into that for a long time, until I married a man. That was my first mistake. He was abusive and a full-on sociopath. I asked God what I had done to deserve this life. No answer, and the abuse continued right into my pregnancy with my son. Then I convinced my sociopathic ex-husband to go into the Army. That was the only way I could get away from him.
After that, it was one disappointment and struggle after another, and my faith in God disappeared completely. When my son was 13, his father basically kidnapped him and kept him from me for over four years. The courts allowed it. I wasn’t able to see him or talk to him. I sent him birthday and Christmas presents, but he didn’t receive any. Then, on the morning of January 2nd, 2013, I had a strong pull to log onto my Facebook account. My son had left me a message asking if I could come pick him up. At first, I thought it was a joke, but it was my son, so I drove to where he was hiding from his father (a library) and picked him up. It was then that my faith began to be restored.
Now, I struggled financially and relationship-wise for a long time after that, but I still kept some of my faith. Over time, I found a decent job, and my commissions made it possible to treat my entire family to a first-class trip to California to see my mom and sister and go to Disneyland. We would be on a first-class flight and stay in an Airbnb in Newport Beach, and have a three-day pass to Disneyland and California Disney. Tickets were purchased, deposits were put down, and everyone was excited. This was December 2019. Our trip was scheduled for April 2020. What happened then, I wonder (insert face palm emoji here). Thanks, Trump (insert eye roll emoji here). He screwed the whole country. Our trip was cancelled indefinitely. Got the deposit back for the Airbnb and the plane tickets, but the Disneyland tickets were stuck in limbo.
Because of the countrywide quarantine, that money slowly dwindled, but I still had my job, but I was now part-time, so I had to dip into that vacation money until it was gone. (Can you see now why my faith disappeared again?)
Small things gave me a kick in the faith department. Every once in a while. I soon found another, better job, but I wasn’t getting commissions, so the trip was off indefinitely, and there was no more money from it because of my extra bills during COVID.
Today, now and then, I see that spark. I see tiny pieces of God’s work in my life. Now it’s Christmas time (I have to say, after the marriage to my son’s father, I became Pagan. I’m also still VERY gay), and I was so worried about presents for my family. I live paycheck to paycheck because the cost of everything has skyrocketed under Trump’s Fourth Reich regime. I, literally, live paycheck to paycheck (no joke). So my holiday spirit was out the window.
Well, lo and behold, I got a letter from the state revenue department. My first thought was negative, like they overpaid me or something. Instead, they underpaid me by over $400. Just in time for Christmas. Thank you, God. This was a month ago. Started to gain some of my faith back, and I stopped doing podcasts about Trump and the horrible things he and his administration are doing. Now I’m doing book reviews and talking about gratitude. It’s really made a difference. Until…
I kept checking to see when I would receive that money from the state. I had to call their customer service (this was the beginning of last week). I was told it would take 2 to 4 weeks, but it was processed. I was annoyed that it wasn’t just deposited into my bank account like my original refund. Whatever. It was at that time that I started talking to God again. “Please let me have a good Christmas for my grandkids.” “Please let the money come before Christmas.” I waited, and I waited. Friday (two days ago), I had hoped it would be in the mail. It wasn’t. I looked to God again and bargained with him (dumb, right? Like God can be guilt-tripped). I begged for that check to be in my mailbox on Saturday (yesterday), and if it were, I would stop losing faith that He even exists, since I could never see the signs that he did, even when good, unexpected things happened in my life. Guess what, the check was in my mailbox yesterday! Faith restored. And for good, this time.
I’m sorry I went on such a long rant about this one statement. I needed to give you the whole picture. That one statement is this: I have learned to see all the little things of God’s grace in my life, no matter how tiny they may seem. He’s in even the most minor things. And that is my lesson of faith recently.
Thank you for reading my whole rant about my lesson of faith. What’s yours? And it doesn’t have to be novel-length like mine. 🙂
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